My disastrous Scientology Dallas visit

LAS COLINAS: Church of Scientology of Dallas, 451 Decker Dr., Irving, Texas.

After reading about Scientology’s jihad against Anderson Cooper, I looked up the church’s North Texas chapter and realized that they moved from their old East Dallas address and into new digs in Las Colinas (pictured above, only now without the exterior featuring the huge crucifix-looking logo and all those tacky bows).

The new Scientology Dallas center is right off of TX-114 at Rochelle Boulevard.

All the action is up on the second floor. 

After exiting the elevators, I found myself in a steroided-out church bookstore with plasma-screen kiosks, flanked by an endless supply of Lafayette Ron Hubbard, Jr.-sanctioned literature and DVDs.

Everyone was especially polite — even while suspiciously asking me, Why in the hell are you visiting today...?

I answered honestly. 

I was interested in the new building — to see if the design or architecture directly reflected their core belief system... or their spirituality, or ideology, or philosophy... or whatever the hell Scientology or Dianetics are. 

Like, how a Catholic church usually features the Stations of the Cross in the design, with the 15th Station as the altar....

No such luck. 

The Big D Scientologists moved into a pre-existing office building.

First, I met Brice, who just wanted me to suffer the video kiosks, which are so butt-numbingly awful. 

I asked Brice if “Ron” ever visited Dallas.

Brice didn’t know.

Instead, Brice led me to “something special” — my own screening room to watch “the only filmed interview of L. Ron Hubbard,” which was conducted in the U.K, circa 1965.

It was interesting to watch Hubbard in action. 

Ron’s not at all conventionally attractive. 

He speaks like he’s wearing dentures that are about to come unglued. 

And he wears a leisure suit with a flared collar and an ascot, along with a bracelet and a pimped-out finger ring.

Hubbard dodges the most inane questions and becomes oddly offended when his unidentified interviewer asks if Scientology is anything like psychoanalysis.

After I emerged from the film, I was greeted by Tess, who also wanted to know why I decided to visited the center.

I explained my interest in the design of the new building and to find out if Hubbard ever visited Dallas.

Tess was smooth. But Tess really just wanted to me to take the “personality test,” which I did: 200 questions to answer “yes,” “maybe” or “no.”

I kept my copy of the test.

Here are questions from the Oxford Capacity Analysis Test that seemed like they were constructed by a wordy lard-ass:

• 50. Have you a definitely set standard of courteous behavior in front of other members of your family?
• 56. Does "external noise" rarely interfere with your concentration?
• 81. Are you usually undisturbed by "noises off" when you are trying to rest?
• 89. Are there some things about yourself on which you are touchy?
• 90. Do you have few interests and activities that are your own choice?
• 91. Do you ever get a single thought which hangs around for days?
• 116. Does a minor failure on your part rarely trouble you?
• 129. Are you in favor of color bar and class distinction?
• 166. Does the idea of fear or apprehension give you a physical reaction?
• 180. Do you make allowances for your friends where with others you might judge more severely?
• 189. Having settled an argument out do you continue to feel disgruntled for a while?

By the way, I bombed the test. 

Tess said my critical skills sucked.

I asked, “Does that mean my critiques were really weak?”

Tess said no, that my I was overly critical — that I find too much fault in stuff and that my “outpoints” were screwy. 

I said “overly critical” doesn’t mean pointing out faults, per se. 

I mean, critics could say something was “terrific” because it was “perfectly constructed,” “breathtakingly concise” or “tasted yummy.” 

A critique means you're just analyzing something to see how it measures up. 

Some critics rave about stuff. 

Tess just pointed back to my score on the test and said the results are “scientifically” measured.

I also took an IQ test, which I totally bombed.

And then Tess subjected me to an E-meter test, which I think I miserably failed or just frustrated the heck out of Tess, since I tried so hard to distract her or make her laugh. 

Tess was nice, though.

The Church of Scientology of Dallas, 451 Decker Dr., Irving. Open seven days a week: 9 a.m.-10:30 p.m. Walk-ins welcome. 214-524-5300.