NOUVEAU-RICHE BEEYOTCH: Sandra Bernhard lets ’em rip

Bernhard doesn’t pull punches

Sandy on DL black men, crazy Christians and how the financial crisis is the best thing to happen to America

JEWISH PRINCESS: Bernhard was ghetto fabulous before it was fabulous. [Photo: William Baker.]

By DANIEL KUSNER | Feb. 20, 2009

While the economy collapses, many of us are desperately seeking lightning rods of wisdom.

Whether it’s tearing Sarah Palin or the Bush twins a new one, Sandra Bernhard doesn’t pull punches. 

And after 9/11, the funny-gal Jewish intellectual says she got “Dixie Chicked” and was essentially blacklisted in Texas.

Now as we dive deeper into recession, Dallas is in for a bargain.

On Saturday, Bernhard returns to Big D for a surprisingly intimate and affordable chance to experience her brand of standup, monologue and bomb-throwing as La Bernhard plays the Rose Room.

With her pal Dallas radio-jock Jack E. Jett as emcee, Bernhard promises to deliver an improv act and songs.

I caught up with Bernhard, who was at her New York home.

•••

KUSNER: Are you preparing any rants about the financial crisis? And whom we should throw stones at? 
BERNHARD: Everyone should just throw stones at themselves.

So everyone must get stoned? 
[Laughs.] Yeah. And everyone needs to stop blaming others and take on more responsibility.

Can we rant about our current financial situation?
It’s the same thing I’ve been saying for eight years. First, George Bush stole the election. And because of 9/11, everyone just stood there with their thumbs up their asses.
To me, 9/11 was a total manipulation. And to this day, I don’t fully buy it. We knew 9/11 was going to happen. We had the intelligence. And nobody heeded the warning. But everybody just brushed that under the rug. 
Then we got into Iraq. Then George Bush wins again, narrowly….
It’s the nature of politics. People are finally realizing that they have a voice. I don’t understand why they had to be kicked in the teeth for eight years to get the point.

Are you afraid to criticize Obama? 
Why would I criticize him?

For starters, Obama’s against gay marriage. Plus, that inauguration crap with Rick Warren while Bishop Robinson got shafted.
I don’t think that’s the issue. The gay community needs do what they did since Prop 8 passed. They need to start organizing.
Everybody who has fought any battles — whether it’s the black community or whomever— has had to fight. Now we have to fight.
Marriage is a state-to-state thing. And it will evolve. And I don’t think Obama will ever stand in the way of that. Obama is a black man. I mean, most black men are in the closet. They are on the DL, honey. It’s a cultural and religious thing — a Jesus thing. And everybody needs to wake up to that shit.

Should gays hand Obama’s ass back to him and say, “What’s your beef with gay marriage?”
It’s fine if people want to tell Obama, “We’re going to effect these changes — and don’t stand in our way.” But until everyone gets past this religion thing, nobody is going to be on board.

Do fundamental Jews ever irritate you? 
No. They don’t bother me. Anybody who takes the Torah literally is out of their minds. It’s written by man — it’s man’s definition of morality. God wasn’t sitting up there with a big chisel and hammer.

So it’s just the Christians? 
They’re fucking crazy. [Laughs.] Everybody is nuts, Jesus Christ.

What’s the truth that you’re speaking to power in 2009?
This is the message: Get up every day, and do what you can to change your life — change your consciousness. Power up on an emotional and spiritual level. Take responsibility for your actions. Enjoy your life by embracing what you already have.

Has the financial crisis impacted your world?
It’s affected everyone. I think it’s the best thing that’s happened to this county. People have to stop looking to material things to find happiness. We need to stop making movies about women who have traded their intellect for shopping — women who have spent the last 10 years resculpting their bodies by injecting chemicals and having surgeries. The whole consciousness has been wrong.

When it comes to fashion, Dallas could benefit from a sensible bitchslap.
I pick from a wide variety. Friends give me stuff to wear. I like things I just buy off the rack. There have been so many great things on sale. I’ve bought fabulous dresses.
And great shoes. I bought two pair of Manolo Blahniks on sale for $450. This is a time to buy stuff and capitalize on great sales. I can’t tell people in Dallas how to dress. They’ve got their own weird — kind of like, big, big hair and big things happening. It’s a big place.
Mix it up — go high and low. It’s about good taste. Like Michelle Obama — she mixes J. Crew with new cool designers. She knows how to mix it up.

Did having to tighten your belt surprise you? 
Honey, I’ve always lived below my means. Since I was 18 and making my own money, I’ve never — ever — owed one dollar in my life. That’s my whole point. Live at the level you can live, and be comfortable. If that means not being grand and cooking at home every night and doing what you go to do, then that’s what you got to do.
And don’t have 10 kids. Have one or two kids. That’s enough. Be a great parent to one kid instead of a lousy parent to 10 kids.

Besides listening to Suze Orman, are you looking for lightning rods of wisdom
Yeah, myself. If I already haven’t given you enough stems of wisdom…
I don’t need to look to anybody else. I look at my girlfriend and my daughter — we’ve never lived ostentatiously. That’s the best advice I can give — live below your means. If that doesn’t resonate, I don’t know what does. That’s what Suze Orman tells everybody. But I’ve been saying it for 20 years — when we were in the middle of having these, like, big, fabulous extravagant moments. I kept saying to everybody, “You know what? Don’t go there — you don’t need a $5,000 purse.”

You were ghetto fabulous before it was fabulous.
You know it.

Your Dallas gig will be dramatically intimate. And for die-hard fans, it’s only $20.
Over the holidays. I just did a week at Joe’s Pub in New York. And it’s only 155 seats. I did some of my best shows in those settings. People like to be up close.
I just have one request: That people aren’t completely drunk or high on drugs. Can you just wait until I’m done performing? 
Sometimes these late-night gigs bite you on the ass because everyone’s so fucked up. If you want to hear what I have to say, don’t talk while I’m talking. And don’t be falling all over the place while I’m trying to be the star.
When I’m done, do what you want. When I’m onstage, please, shut up and listen to me. And don’t make me have to say this when I’m onstage.

SATURDAY WITH SANDRA

On Feb. 21, 2008, Bernhard performs a midnight “Carnivale” show at The Rose Room Theatre at Station 4, 3911 Cedar Springs Rd. Tickets, $20 (includes $10 cover to S4). Rose Room cast performs at 11 p.m. Proceeds benefit AIDS Arms and Resource Center of Dallas. 214-526-7171.

Photos: Daniel Kusner 

Manic Superstar: SANDRA BERNHARD

Formerly blacklisted, Sandra Bernhard returns to Big D

Our provocateur on: being Natalie Maines’ neighbor, the chaos known as ‘The View,’ and how she her talkshow teammate Jack E. Jett hope to seize the world

DIXIE CHICKED: It’s been almost six years since Sandra Bernhard performed in Dallas.

By DANIEL KUSNER | March 9, 2007

Calling from her apartment in New York last week, Sandra Bernhard sounds almost chipper.

“I am,” she says. “So much to be chipper about. Just hanging out — waiting for my kid to get home from school.”

So if she’s in the Big Apple, that means that Dixie Chicks front woman, Natalie Maines, lives next door.

“When she’s here. Natalie is in Los Angeles most of the time now, because her husband [actor Adrian Pasdar] is on that show ‘Heroes,’” Bernhard explains.

Her mellow tone slightly shifts when comparisons are drawn between Maines and the last time Bernhard was scheduled to play Dallas: in 2002, during her post-9/11 “Hero Worship” tour.

Bernhard’s Gypsy Tea Room gig was abruptly yanked — along with a performance scheduled in San Antonio.

When the cancellations were announced, the lesbian performer says she was as surprised as ticket holders.

Bernhard says promoters in Bush’s “announced” home state got cold feet — that they were scared of providing a platform for her shoot-from-the-hip critiques on Orange Alerts and the countless fundraisers for victims of the World Trade Center bombings.

At that time, Maines, of course, was country music’s sacrificial lamb — the Texas sweetheart who spoke out against Bush’s escalation of U.S. troops in Iraq.

As the Bernhard and Maines children played together, the next-door-neighbors spent long hours discussing the culture of “Bush paranoia.”

“It has been the weirdest six years — especially if you’re trying to perform in a city like Dallas or you’re down in Texas. Like there’s been a kind of self-imposed censorship. But I feel a sea-change coming on — especially since the November elections,” Bernhard says.

Less than a year ago, she was still feeling the sting for making anti-Bush criticisms.

In June, while promoting her show “Everything Bad & Beautiful,” which stops at the Majestic Theatre on Friday, Bernhard appeared on “The View.” Remember, this was daytime talk show’s old guard, but Meredith Viera had already jumped ship.

Barbara Walters brought up Laura Bush.

And Bernhard described the first lady’s apathetic-seeming demeanor as being “heavily medicated.”

And that’s when co-panelist Elisabeth Hasselbeck flew into a neo-conservative tizzy.

The clip should be immortalized on YouTube.

“I walked into the perfect storm. Star Jones knew she was getting fired, so she had her bone to pick. Elisabeth Hasselbeck was ramping up to become the right-wing spokesperson on the show: She thought it was the perfect opportunity for her to flex her political muscle. And without Meredith Viera — who was the only voice of reason — it was, like, these chicks have gone fucking postal. But you know, it was perfect. I just laid back and watched the whole thing unfold without getting too involved.”

Bernhard did try to defend herself — by mentioning that Laura Bush says nothing when her husband slashes education budgets.

But no one could hear the guest because Hasselbeck and Jones talked over Bernhard.

“Well, that’s the problem. These chicks don’t shut up. They’re the worst possible example of why women shouldn’t be in power positions — because nobody listens. They’re like these harpy bitches, which has become second-nature to that show.”

As for the new-and-improved version of “The View,” Bernhard is reluctant to sing Rosie O’Donnell’s praises.

“You must remember, for 10 years Rosie was in total denial — pretended to be something else. My hat is off to her in a certain way. But for somebody like me, who has walked the sexual line and been very forthright and hasn’t had anything handed to her, I’m not impressed,” Bernhard says.

“I’ve always paid the price for being outspoken and completely being in everybody’s face: whether it was the gay community trying to make me their spokesperson; or the straight community saying I was too sexually ambiguous,” Bernhard continues. “In this day and age, it’s pretty easy to be outspoken — with all the blogging and shit. I like Rosie, but I don’t think she’s a revelation.”

Perhaps Bernhard will give Rosie a run for her money.

Bernhard’s Dallas visit will reunite her with Jack E. Jett, a gay bomb-thrower in his own right.

When production for Jett’s now-defunct talk show “The Queer Edge” moved from Haltom City to Burbank, Calif., Jett and Bernhard joined forces.

It was a potent and weird cocktail that worked — although no one in North Texas got to see the show, which aired on the QTV network.

But the twosome are trying to keep their chat-show dreams alive.

“We’re pitching the resurgence of our talk show. But it won’t be called ‘The Queer Edge’ because we’re going to open it up to everybody. We’ve been spending some time together, finding producers who will take our project and get it set up. Places like Bravo,” she explains.

It’s been almost six years since Sandra Bernhard performed in Dallas.

I ask her if she’ll be doing anything special for the gig — in case North Texans should slap themselves silly if they miss it. And in true Bernhard style, she ends our interview with a threat.

“Oh, honey. Every time I walk onstage, it’s special. You all had better come out. The world has become so ‘American Idol,’ so cookie-cutter. Everybody is laying up on their asses at home — not supporting the great artists,” she says. “So you better get all the queens, the drag queens and dykes. If I do not see the place sold out, I will be readying everybody to filth.”

BEAUTIFUL & BADASS: Bernhard performs “Everything Bad and Beautiful” at the Majestic Theatre, 1925 Elm St. March 9 at 8 p.m. $27-$102.

That time I reviewed the DIXIE CHICKS

Ready-made nice

Natalie Maines and the Dixie Chicks jammed at the American Airlines Center on Tuesday

HER FINAL BOW? Natalie Maines at American Airlines Center. [Photo: Daniel Kusner.]

By DANIEL KUSNER | Oct. 20, 2006

There was something in the air: tension.

You could feel it wafting from the stage as the Dixie Chicks returned to Dallas on Tuesday, the last stop on the “Taking the Long Way” tour.

Maybe the tension was lingering from three years ago: the last time the Chicks played Big D. That was Sunday, July 6 — when Natalie Maines received a chilling assassination threat.

Nope. That wasn’t it.

The anxiety pointed to a career impasse for the Dixie Chicks. They’re suffering from an identity crisis.

Are they country artists? Like a new, superstar version of the Mandrell Sisters?

Not any more.

Are they political rockers with a feminist-rebel streak?

Well, Maines is… Sometimes.

Have they been able to strike the perfect balance between the two?

Not quite.

Fans attending the American Airlines Center gig were one thing— loyal: Bona fide Texans who embody the Lone Star ethos: Texas is big enough for everyone’s freedoms.

Amid the cowboy hats and rodeo buckles were tiaras, a few feather boas and T-shirts emblazoned with “The L Word” logo. Even erotic superstar Mark Dalton was in the crowd with a female date.

So why did Maines feel the need to perform with a muzzle?

Why did she refrain from talking about President Bush?

Because the Dixie Chicks are caught in their own tug of war: traditional family-friendly entertainers vs. sing-from-your-gut lionesses. Make that lioness.

A butt-numbing 40 minutes after Pete Yorn finished his opening set, the Chicks took the stage with “Hail to the Chief” pumping over the sound system.

Maines, Martie Maguire, Emily Robison and a nine-piece band blew through three songs before they even said howdy.

Maguire and Robison both look stunning as they kick out banjo licks and fiddle flourishes. But their musicianship is hardly athletic or artistically inspiring enough to merit more than one spotlighted solo. They don’t hold a candle to Dolly Parton or Charlie Daniels’ hoedown magic.

And then there’s Maines — The Star.

Since it was the tour’s last gig, it was as if Maines was putting on her waitress uniform for the last time. Like she couldn’t wait to burn it.

Actually, her fashion choice was odd: a flowing, white jacket that looked like “Thriller”-meets-Holly Hobbie. The jacket was complimented with an ill-advised pair of pleated gabardine shorts.

The shorts did, however, show off Maines’ creamy gams. And her footwear was killer: a blinding pair of patent-leather fuck-me pumps. But in Maines’ case, they might be fuck-you pumps.

Maines made a few jokes between songs.

She gave PinkIsTheNewBlog two great plugs and encouraged everyone to check out Britney Spears’ latest crotch-flashing paparazzi shots. After some digs at K-Fed, the Chicks busted out “White Trash Wedding.”

11 songs vacillated between corny clap-along fun and newer, soulful material.

The night came to a dramatic halt as they belted out “Not Ready to Make Nice.”

Audience members unfurled banners that read “F.U.W.” and “We’re ashamed, too!”

When the song ended, there was a standing ovation. And for the first time that night, Maines smiled.

The Chicks’ musical arrangements were as straightforward as you can get. No daring musical interpretations. The concert was like listening to a mix of their albums. Except for the noticeable tension, the Dallas gig was “nice” and about as phoned in as it gets.

Maines seems ready to chase the tails of Bob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen. While they seem like sweet bandmates, Robison and Maguire might not fit into that mold. And except for their backup vocals, Robison and Maguire didn’t utter a single word the entire night.

How would they take their final stage bow? It was like watching a leaf break away from a tree.

For the last gig on the tour, you’d expect a victory lap with the three Chicks holding hands.

After performing a few silly-looking curtsies, Maines left the stage and walked off by herself. Robison and Maguire followed behind Maines with their arms around each other.

And just like the “Hail to the Chief” opener, there seemed to be a message when the lights came up and Elton John’s “The Bitch is Back” was cranked up.

It’s a bet and probably a safe one. But I’m predicting that Natalie Maines’ Dixie Chick days are over.