"Did you see the thing on the news about their treatment of animals and animal welfare? Absolutely horrific. You can't help but feel that the Chinese are a subspecies."
“You’ll forgive me for saying this. But only a gay periodical in Dallas would publish an automobile guide. However, I loathe cars and have plenty of evil things to say,” Lypsinka cackles about the topic at hand.
When it comes to cars, John Epperson — the architect behind the enchanting, supernatural seductress Lypsinka — knows what he’s talking about.
As a 14 year old raised in Mississippi, Epperson had his learner permit, could change his own oil and got busted by his parents for sneaking into a drive-in movie to catch “The Killing of Sister George,” which, at that time, was an X-rated feature.
But the drive-in was where he got to see his favorite films (“Myra Breckenridge,” “Beyond the Valley of the Dolls,” “Rosemary’s Baby,” “A Clockwork Orange”).
Cinema is the essence of Lypsinka.
Epperson is an undeniable film historian, who scholarly discourses about early RKO movies and glam-a-thon campy delights like “Showgirls.”
He avoids nearly every television program, “I don’t watch anything with commercials, except for ‘Saturday Night Live’”
But his immersion in all-things-Hollywood is impressive. And in Lypsinka’s imaginary world, her car’s vanity mirror is bathed with Klieg lights.
Epperson admits that he has mixed emotions about cars.
When he lived with his family in Mississippi, he had to depend a car in order to get around.
“But I’m totally self-absorbed. And taking care of a car is like taking care of a child,” he complains. “I even resent having to put gas in the tank.”
When he decided to move from away home to pursue a career in entertainment, he knew it meant relocating to either L.A. or New York.
“So I chose New York. Because you don’t need car. And it’s an enormous relief not to have one,” he says.
Traveling is a big part of Lypsinka’s life.
Currently, she’s touring her latest show, “Lypsinka: The Boxed Set,” around the country. For this interview, Lypsinka’s on a phone in Los Angeles.
“And when I’m in L.A., I rent a car,” she says. “If I ever lived here, I don’t think I’d buy one. I’d rent one. Because then, if the thing breaks down, you’re not responsible for it. You can call the rental company and say, ‘The thing fell apart. Get me another one!’”
The drag performer (“I find the use of the term ‘drag queen’ derogatory — like ‘nigger’ or ‘faggot.’ So ‘drag performer’ sounds more politically correct, if you don’t mind”) is currently tooling around in a rented, silver Buick Regal.
“My friends from Houston came to visit me and laughed at my car. I didn’t pick it myself. I’m just happy that it has power windows, air conditioning, a CD player and a tape player,” Epperson says. “However, I will not drive a little Geo Metro — that little tin can on wheels. It just feels too dangerous.”
When she’s motoring in her rental, Lypsinka relishes exploring country roads with the stereo on full-blast cranking out early Barbra Streisand hits.
“So you see? Like everything else in life, I’m a contradiction. And I have contradictory feelings about cars,” Lypsinka admits.
She knows that a guy can look like a supreme dream-machine... If he’s in the right car.
MOZ: Ready to motor.
“I’ve made friends with Morrissey, the singer. And he drove up here the other day in a black BMW convertible. And I must say he looked very dashing. He has black hair. And I’m into color coordination. The black hair matched the car and probably matched his mood. He looked great in that car,” Lypsinka swoons.
When it comes to vintage rides, Lypsinka reaches into her Film-Knowledge Arsenal file and whips out her grease-monkey smarts.
When hiring a chauffeur, Lypsinka prefers the Max von Mayerling-type (played by Erich von Stroheim in “Sunset Boulevard”).
“Norma Desmond’s leopard skin-lined car was an Isotta Fraschini. ‘Cost me $28,000. All handmade,’” she mimics with vampy Gloria Swanson-like precision.
“'Max gets that old bus off its blocks. And they go to Paramount Studios, who want to rent it for a Bing Crosby road movie. She drives up to the gate. And she goes, ‘Jonesy! You there, Jonesy.’ I also think Isotta Fraschini would make for a great drag name.”
All this talk of vintage cars leads Lypsinka on a dissertation about a classic Bugatti connected to the first lady of modern dance, Isadora Duncan.
THAT OLD, ISADORA DUNCAN JOKE: “Wear the long scarf. It really brings out your eyes.”
“Vanessa Redgrave starred in the film version of Isadora's life. Her performance is unbelievable — the best thing she ever did. Anyway, in the movie she keeps seeing this sexy guy driving a Bugatti. She doesn’t know his name Every time she sees him drive by, she screams, ‘Bugatti!’ Finally, she meets him at a party. And she gets in his Bugatti, and they drive away. And her scarf — which she’s famous for — her long scarf gets caught in spokes of the wheels and chokes her to death!”
As for Lypsinka’s driving skills, she claims she’s an expert driver and especially talented parallel parker.
“I’m also a musician. I worked at American Ballet Theaters and was a rehearsal pianist for 13 years before my career took off. Musicians are very mathematical. And parking is basically geometry. Once you’ve figured it out, it’s just done like a mathematical equation,” she boasts.
What’s inside Lypsinka’s glovebox?
“A tube of Chanel lipstick, insurance papers, a Valium and a gun!” she shrills.
And if she was in a drag race, she imagines she’d be decked out in some “Fast and Furious” ensemble, à la Thierry Mugler.
Before she finishes the interview, Lypsinka wants to make sure she hasn’t offended any readers with her jabs at the automobile industry.
“I certainly don’t want to stop any car lovers from coming to my show if I ever make it to Dallas. And I know that if I ever get there, I’m going to want to rent a really nice car.”
SUMMER ’95: Quentin and Yours Truly on our way to see ‘Kids.’ [Photo: Kirsten Showell.]
Monday, December 9, 1996
Phoned Quentin Crisp to invite him to a movie.
Woody Allen’s “Everyone Says I Love You” was playing at the Olympia Theatre on Broadway at 44th Street for a one-week award-seasonrun (earning a Golden Globe nom forBest Motion Picture Musical or Comedy).
Quentin answered the phone while moaning in pain, “Owwww, owww! Buggers! Owww….”
He injured his hand while trying to break a fall.
Quentin whimpered as he reached for his planner, which he calls, “the sacred book.”
He selected Wednesday and talked about bus routes. I said I’d splurge for a cab.
On Christmas Day, I went to some people’s apartment on Fourth Street, because it was nice and near. But on the day before, I had a party in Chez Suzette, which is a rather posh restaurant on Restaurant Row on 46th Street. It was very nice.
Who went to your party?
Almost everyone.
Any big celebrities?
No. Mr. Bay— who arranged it — asked all sorts of celebrities. But they didn’t come, of course.
How’s your hand?
It’s no better. But it’s all right when I don’t use it.
Are you in any pain?
Not when I don’t use it. Just lying about ... it doesn’t hurt anymore.
Sill gonna cut it off?
Well, I might have to because it’s so useless.
Have you seen a doctor?
No.
Not going to step foot into a hospital, are you?
Eek! Never.
•••
Can I ask you a bunch of questions?
Yes.
Can you define “family values?”
Family values are a complete waste of time. Everything that goes wrong in one’s life is the result of their family.
How was your relationship with your father?
Terrible.
Did he name you Quentin?
No. That was my own name. My birth name was Denis.
Do you know who you were named after?
I don’t think I was named after anybody.
Your real name is Denis?
Yes.
Denis Crisp?
No, Denis Pratt. You can imagine how quick I was to get rid of that.
What was the inspiration of the invented name Quentin Crisp?
Oh, Quentin, it’s good. It’s set in Versailles during Louis XVI. It demonstrates how success is measured through wit. The clever dialogue is snappy. It’s about eviscerating and mocking others in public.
Hmmmmph.
Have you seen “Shine?”
No.
Have you heard about it?
Yes.
Have you heard about “Breaking the Waves?”
I’ve seen “Breaking the Waves.”
What’d you think?
It’s quite nice but very kinky.
Do you ever rent movies?
Never.
What’s your opinion of the new “Romeo + Juliet” movie?
I haven’t seen it. But I think it’s a great mistake.
How come?
Well, when you put teenagers into Shakespeare — the fact that they’re wearing torn jeans and saying all that elaborate poetry is just crazy.
You don’t find teenagers very poetic, do you?
No. I find them wretched.
We talked about the movie “I Shot Andy Warhol.” I asked you about meeting Warhol. You said whenever you saw Warhol out, you’d try to engage him into conversations. But you couldn’t get much out of him, right?
Yes. Homosexuality is strange. It’s unusual. It’s not normal. I think it’s natural that people are afraid of it and don’t like it.
Do you think you’ll be considered a significant historical figure?
No.
Maybe a historically significant gay figure?
I don’t think so.
What about in the legal sense? When you successfully defended yourself in court?
Not really.
I live in Texas. And the only copies of “The Naked Civil Servant” that are owned by the University of Texas at Austin are placed in the school’s very posh law library. Your case has merit — especially in consideration of civil rights. Weren’t you arrested and harassed by the police for being eccentric because they didn’t like that you refused to present yourself as a man?
I was accused of soliciting. And I said that I didn’t do it.
